LOS ANGELES- The last few decades have been quite unusual for Michael Lisbon. Why? Well, last week, the 49 year old restaurant owner revealed to the world that he has never been groped by the actor Kevin Spacey, not even once. “That’s right, no #MeToo for me,” said Lisbon. “Of course I told my wife […]
School Hustles Money To Educate Children By Turning Chimney Into Giant Cell Tower: Telecoms, Schools, And Kids LOVE It!
MINNEAPOLIS, MN-Win, win, win, is the best way to describe it. Last year, Hanford Middle School in south Minneapolis was struggling to survive budget cuts that were instead being put to better use by corporations in the form of tax cuts to help stimulate the growth of the economy. But recently, the school tapped into […]
Joaquin Phoenix To Play Role Of Joaquin Phoenix In Movie About Joaquin Phoenix
HOLLYWOOD- Joaquin Phoenix, the dynamic, and some would say, eccentric actor, who’s life is way more interesting than the characters he portrays, has just been slated for the role of Joaquin Phoenix in the Warner Brother’s biopic of the actor Joaquin Phoenix titled: When You Think About It, Only My Name Is Joaquin Phoenix. He […]
‘I Voted’ Stickers Available In English And Russian This Year
Polling stations nation wide, in conjunction with Russia, former Cold War enemy and newest election partner of the United States, will be offering the ubiquitous I Voted stickers in both the English and Russian languages this year, this according to voting officials. The much loved symbol of democracy is earned after filling out a ballot […]
President Trump Orders Salvation Army Into Mexico To Collect Money For Wall
WASHINGTON, DC- Today, in accordance with his brand of unconventional wisdom, President Trump announced he will be sending the Salvation Army into Mexico to collect money to pay for the long contested border wall. This comes after also threatening a government shut down should congress refuse to fund a border wall. The President’s plan […]
Lion Ousted From Pride After Allegations Of Sexual Harassment
TANZANIA, EAST AFRICA- The momentum of the #MeToo movement has carried it across species boundaries and is now shining light on what has long been a known secret within the lion kingdom. Earlier this week, a lioness stepped forward with startling allegations against the high profile Tanzanian pride leader, Mr. Two Scratches, a name […]
Delta Offers New Non-Stop MRI Flights
ATLANTA, GA-According to Consumer Reports most recent survey of airline satisfaction, Best and Worst Airlines According to Consumer Reports Readers, lack of leg room topped the list of complaints, and Delta has been swift to address this issue. In an effort to cut costs, maximize profits, and diversify its services, Delta is taking advantage of […]
Jamie Oliver: McDonalds Only Fit For Human Consumption After Long Night At Pub With Best Mates
ESSEX, UK- Jamie Oliver, celebrity chef and entrepreneur, known for championing healthier eating and higher standards in food production, has typically campaigned against McDonalds as a peddler of unhealthy, low-grade food. But as pub close neared, he was heard expressing an apparent reversal of attitude toward the fast food giant. In the voice of […]
Stephen Hawking’s Passing Causes Global IQ Average To Drop Significantly
The world just got less smart, or should we say a lot less smart. With today’s passing of theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, the global IQ average has plunged almost a full point. This doesn’t sound like much until you consider there are nearly 8 billion other people on the planet. According to Ari Brainin, spokesperson […]
Keystone Pipeline Leaks Have Put Pressure On Nation’s Kitty Litter Reserves
AMHERST, SD-The US Department of Interior and major kitty litter producers are joining forces and calling on all domesticated felines and their owners to curtail use of kitty litter products in the wake of the Keystone pipeline leaks. The first occurring April 2, 2016, near Menno, SD, with a release of 16,800 gallons, and a […]