Scratches, photographed here at the 2017 Cannes Film Festival, faces multiple allegations of sexual harassment, including inappropriate mounting and neck biting of lionesses still raising cubs.
TANZANIA, EAST AFRICA- The momentum of the #MeToo movement has carried it across species boundaries and is now shining light on what has long been a known secret within the lion kingdom. Earlier this week, a lioness stepped forward with startling allegations against the high profile Tanzanian pride leader, Mr. Two Scratches, a name he earned after receiving two deep wounds on his left flank while savagely fending off three rogue males trying to kill him. Then yesterday, the pressure mounted as five more lionesses came forward with their own stories of sexually inappropriate behavior they suffered while members of Scratches’ pride.
The allegations include unwanted mounting and neck biting of lionesses not in heat, or who were currently raising cubs. Gross. As well as multiple incidents of using the Flehmen response in the direction of unreceptive females. Creep.
One lioness, who requested her identity not be revealed at this time, said, “The day has dawned when we lionesses come together to call out such despicable behavior perpetrated by powerful alpha males. Just because I find myself strangely attracted to their incredible physical prowess, quick decision making, ability to ward off dangerous rogue males that would kill my cubs, and superior genes that will give my offspring the strength to survive in a brutal, unforgiving world, there is simply no excuse for this kind of inappropriate behavior.”
The timing couldn’t be worse for Scratches, who seems to be at the height of his career. With a couple dozen lionesses under his powerful spell, bringing down untold numbers of large game animals to feed himself and countless offspring, now estimated to be well into the hundreds, continuation of Scratches’ five year reign appears to be in serious jeopardy.
Today, during a press conference held in the shade of the Acacia tree, Scratches and his lawyer took turns addressing a sizable crowd of African wildlife, with his lawyer kicking it off with a strongly worded condemnation of the lionesses and their allegations, “These accusations, by promiscuous lionesses with questionable pasts and motives, are preposterous as a rhinoceros, and we will fight them tooth and nail. The attempt to mar this powerful lion’s impeccable reputation will be stopped in its tracks, and as soon as the dust settles from this absurdity, Mr. Two Scratches will resume rightful position as leader of his pride.”
Scratches concluded with his prepared statement, “Although these allegations are absolutely false, I believe my ability to lead will be seriously compromised during the course of this investigation, which is why I am temporarily, repeat: temporarily, stepping down as alpha male. Protecting the pride with my mighty strength, impregnating all the females that need impregnating, gorging myself on hundreds of pounds of meat, as well as killing any cubs that aren’t mine, and doing all this while functioning on only 20 hours of sleep each day is simply not practical. For the time being, I will aimlessly roam the Serengeti plain, and when my name is cleared once and for all, promptly return to drive off or mortally wound any rival males who have taken my place.”