President Trump salutes a division of tanks in the Salvation Army.
WASHINGTON, DC- Today, in accordance with his brand of unconventional wisdom, President Trump announced he will be sending the Salvation Army into Mexico to collect money to pay for the long contested border wall. This comes after also threatening a government shut down should congress refuse to fund a border wall.
The President’s plan is to persuade the Mexican people to pay for a border wall with heavy armored divisions carrying massive red kettles and overly cheerful people incessantly ringing bells while eliciting feelings of guilt through eye contact.
The announcement was made by the President via Twitter storm early this morning:
5:37 AM:
“Congress won’t protect America from illegals coming from Mexico, Guatemala, Tamale-ah. Sending bravest men and women from Salvation Army into Mexico to collect money for Wall. Doing the Dew. Maybe build 2 walls now.”
6:01 AM
“Every Christmas raise millions in America by ringing bells. Why not ring bells down in Mexico? Come back with BIG FAT RED KETTLES stuffed with pesos and pay for BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL.”
6:15 AM
“Salvation Army branch of military only used once a year. Ridiculicious. Don’t worry folks, have em back before Christmas.”
6:22 AM
“Might send Salvation Navy too.”
6:34 AM
“Melania, I think we’re out of Coke.”
During a White House press briefing addressing the bombshell, a somewhat bewildered reporter from CNN asked White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders if the President even knows what the Salvation Army is. “Of course he does,” she replied. “Just look at the name, it has the words ‘army’ and ‘salvation’ in it. I don’t know how you could get more obvious than that. You got to remember this is a President that takes action. That’s why he’s opting to exercise his constitutional authority to send an army of our bravest men and women into Mexico to collect the necessary funds to build a wall that will provide the American people with salvation from illegals invading our southern border.”